The Art of Darkness

Death is Not an Option

December 31st, 2015 by Cobwebs

After a long hiatus, it’s finally time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, as always, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of characters, you have to decide which one you’d rather sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time it’s Scary Monsters and Super Creeps.

The Sharp-Dressed Man Matchup
Gentlemen   Silence
The Gentlemen (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) vs. The Silence (Doctor Who)

The Entirely Too Much Mucous Matchup
Xenomorph   Predator
Xenomorph (Alien) vs. Yautja (Predator)

The Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have Matchup
Martian   Invaders
Martian (Mars Attacks!) vs. Invaders (They Live)

The Wicked Witches Matchup
Wicked Witch of the West   Grand High Witch
Wicked Witch of the West (Wizard of Oz) vs. Grand High Witch (The Witches)

The Ugly on the Inside (Male) Matchup
Mr. Dark   Goblin King
Mr. Dark (Something Wicked This Way Comes) vs. Goblin King (Labyrinth)

The Ugly on the Inside (Female) Matchup
Maleficent   Ravenna
Maleficent (Maleficent) vs. Queen Ravenna (Snow White and the Huntsman)

The Psycho Slasher Matchup
Leatherface   Freddy Krueger
Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) vs. Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

The Harryhausen’s Hotties Matchup
Medusa   Kali
Medusa (Clash of the Titans) vs. Kali (The Golden Voyage of Sinbad)

The Scary Guys Played by Doug Jones Matchup*
Billy Butcherson   Pale Man
Billy Butcherson (Hocus Pocus) vs. Pale Man (Pan’s Labyrinth)

The Smells Like Pond Scum Matchup
Gillman   Swamp Thing
Gillman (Creature from the Black Lagoon) vs. Alex Holland (Swamp Thing)

Leave your choices in the comments. And remember…Death is not an option.

*What? Too niche?

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 6 Comments »

6 Responses

  1. Pixel Pixie Says:

    1) Sharp-Dressed Man: The Silence. I am not scared or even unnerved by horror or sci-fi often, but The Gentlemen creep me out. The Silence don’t at all. The Weeping Angels are way scarier. (Or at least they used to be, before Angels Take Manhattan.)

    2) Entirely Too Much Mucous: Xenomorph, I guess. Giger was an… unusual fellow.

    3) Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have: They Live. The aliens wear masks, so I can have Johnny Depp, Aidan Turner, David Tennant…

    3) Wicked Witches: WWW. I was freaked out by the book, and never saw the movie. (What I said earlier about being scared only applies to me as an adult. I was scared of everything as a kid.)

    4) Ugly on the Inside (Male): Bowie. No contest.

    5) Ugly on the Inside (Female): I’m not bi, but Charlize Theron is HOT.

    6) Psycho Slasher: Neither is my kind of pervert. Leatherface, I guess.

    7) Harryhausen’s Hotties: Kali for no other reason than I would be interested to see what she can do with so many arms.

    8) Scary Guys Played by Doug Jones: Haven’t actually seen Pan’s Labyrinth. Tween me thought Max from Hocus Pocus was pretty cute, so let’s go with Billy Butcherson.

    10) Smells Like Pond Scum: I vaguely recall from the comics that Swamp Thing is supposed to be a pretty good lover of the human ladies, so let’s go with that.

  2. Pixel Pixie Says:

    I really missed these, by the way. Bring ’em back more often!

  3. WitchArachne Says:

    1. The silence. So I can forget about it immediately.

    2. Xenomorph. I guess? I mean Predator is infinitely cooler but that face just reminds me way too much of a girl I hated in high school.

    3. The invaders. I can pretend it’s someone else.

    4. The Wicked Witch of the West. She has some tension she could let out, you know? Also the high witch has a nose that’s just a little too in-the-way.

    5. Pffft. Bowie. Duh.

    6. Queen Ravenna. I haven’t seen either of these yet but as much as I liked Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty, I’m not a big Jolie fan. Unless I can pick Sleeping Beauty Maleficent, in which case I choose her many times.

    7. Hmm. Freddie, I guess? You’d really have to watch the dirty talk with Leatherface, and that’s too much thinking.

    8. Kali’s arms look like they could come in handy.

    9. Billy. I loved Billy when I was a kid. He better use a toothbrush first though.

    10. I’m going with the viking in a gillie suit here. He doesn’t have inconvenient fangs.
    Ooh, on the other hand, Gillman has gills. Hmmmm….

  4. Goth Gardening Says:

    1) Sharp-Dressed Man: The Gentlemen. “Hush” is one of my favorite episodes. I think it would be a bit hot to watch the silent clap right before they steal my heart :-/
    2) Entirely Too Much Mucous: Xenomorph… Long tongue, no?!?
    3) Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have: Invaders.. Kinda cute
    3) Wicked Witches: I’m still afraid of those flying monkeys so the Grand High Witch
    4) Ugly on the Inside (Male): Bowie. Swoon
    5) Ugly on the Inside (Female): still Bowie ;P
    6) Psycho Slasher: Leatherface… Family issues! Freddy Krueger because some like it HOT literally!
    7) Harryhausen’s Hotties: Kali… Not into snakes
    8) Scary Guys Played by Doug Jones: I’m probably the only one who didn’t love Pan’s Labyrinth. But Billy Butcherson is pretty hot!
    10) Smells Like Pond Scum: Gillman from Creature from the Black Lagoon because he seems more clean?!?

  5. Devries Says:

    Freddy had a sense of humor.

    Maleficent for sure.
    Preditor, the Alien Queen would be too much of a heart ache.
    WW of the West, she was pretty hot in her younger days.

  6. Bruno Says:

    The Silence, same reasoning as WitchArachne (hadn’t read the comments — great minds think alike). Also they’re not out there to rip my heart out in my sleep and eat it while I’m alive and voiceless trying in panic to scream in vain, so they sort of make a better company in bed all things considered.

    Xenomorph, duh. The only reason I’d choose otherwise is because I actually can make a Predator impression. But that’s not much of a skill as it is knowing how to click your tongue.

    Same difference on the ETs? but to stick to the rules, Martian because of fond youth memories of that film.

    Wicked Witch of the West. Clearly.

    David “Goblin King” Bowie (again, same reasoning as WA).

    Maleficent, she has horns and a badass origin story.

    Freddy (hey, he’s already in my dreams).

    Kali (haven’t watched either so I’m basically choosing from my knowledge of mythology here).

    Pale Man (the other one has bad breath).

    Don’t know enough to make an informed decision on the pond fellows, but sure, Swamp Thing because he looks better (?).

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