Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
— yoyoha

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
— Mitch Hedberg

When i see lovers names carved in trees. Sure, i think its cute
But i also think its fkn strange how many ppl bring knives on a date.
— SmartAssBastard

Next time someone preaches to you about living healthy, just reply with these four words: “Keith Richards is 70.”
— Ruth_A_Buzzi

Experts agree, “3D printing offers us the exciting possibility of a virus that causes murderous skeletons to emerge from your computer”
— direlog

“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.
— DaveWeasel

Carefully-written fact-checked essay in the streets, unmoderated comments section in the sheets.
— tejucole

A carnival haunted house filled with bakers and chefs who jump out and yell “Gluten!”
— badbanana

My favourite thing about Scooby-Doo is that supernatural events occur and nobody suspects the four out-of-towners with a talking dog.
— sixthformpoet

I like how we call them earth worms. It implies that there are also space worms.
— cluedont