I like how the first instruction of “stop drop and roll” is “stop.” Like you might have just kept doing what you were doing, but in flames
— joshbupkes

raccoons are just dogs that have learned witchcraft
— mallelis

periods help you learn how to get blood off of things which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught with murder
— peachvenom

For $5 I will go to the funeral of someone you hate and start a slow clap.
— heymonroe

if you’re ever feeling lazy just remember that the ancient greeks believed their gods lived on top of a very climbable hill but no one even bothered to check
— partybarackisinthehousetonight

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
— Bagyants

A banjo is just a guitar that wants to show you a dead body.
— longwall26

what if the coins you find randomly at the bottom of drawers and in between couch cushions are actually from spiders trying to pay rent
— starfleetinginterest

I’m guessing the ‘element of surprise’ is probably arsenic
— Sickayduh

I also want a vampire movie where everyone hasn’t grown weary of LIFE after a measly 300 years, vampires thrilled by toothbrushes & planes
Like Spikes monologue in season 3 but they feel that way all the time and go to museums and love 3D movies
— mallelis