Recently Mallory Ortberg (one of the editors at The Toast) pointed out on Twitter how fictional characters are always turning down offers that in real life people would probably jump at. This led to a long and entertaining Twitter exchange which makes a strong case for saying, “Queen of the Goblins is a pretty sweet title and that baby was annoying anyway.” I also like her suggested solution to this problem.

movies and books are bullshit bc whenever a character is offered the chance to become Consort of a Dark King/Queen they always turn it down

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

and the DREAD LORD or NIGHTMARE EMPRESS always makes it look so tempting it's like why do you want your terrible mortal life over this

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

DARK QUEEN: do you want to come to my empire of night and rule over death and have bonkers murder sex together MAIN GUY: no, for some reason

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

they turn it down on Buffy, they turn it down in Queen of the Damned, they turn it down in the Forbidden Game and it's BULLSHIT

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

@mallelis Labyrinth! Don't forget how wrong Labyrinth is.

— W2 (@ladysisyphus) October 10, 2014

@mallelis True Life: I Was Almost Her Dark Queenship's Consort But I Declined

— Patrick Lucas Austin (@patbits) October 10, 2014

@mallelis "no i want to go to work tomorrow and write some database code, also pay some bills"

— Dave RARRRRtigue (@daveexmachina) October 10, 2014

@mallelis I call it "Goblin King Syndrome," because Sarah was totally nuts to turn down THAT offer.

— ElizaDEATH!!! (@evongvisith) October 10, 2014

it's all the fun of being a SCREAMING PRINCE OF PAIN with non of the administrative headaches!! TAKE THE CONSORT POSITION NUMSKULL

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

@mallelis Midlife crisis novels imagining what if they'd taken the deal instead of ending up in the suburbs 40 and divorced with 2 kids.

— Aetherik Ghostheim (@d6) October 10, 2014

The house was nice. The kids were fine. But something was missing. "Maybe I SHOULD have vanished to Darkalfheim with Julian," he thought.

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

@HazelMonforton @mallelis "Come with me and enjoy a life of sybaritic, dark pleasures." "No! You have no power over me!" #baddecisions

— ElizaDEATH!!! (@evongvisith) October 10, 2014

anyhow if some evil hottie wrapped in capes and leather has been stalking you from Hell for your whole life and they ask you out, say yes

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

@mallelis "Say Yes to the Abyss"

— Dread Consort Peretz (@RexPeretz) October 10, 2014

"Mom, Dad," she said. "I'm not going to college. I'm going to become the Queen of Hell." her terrible boring football boyfriend wept

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

"What kind of a job is that?" her father said. "'Queen of Hell?' Your mother and I have saved for your education for years."

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

"I already bought a Penn Mom bumper sticker for the Escape," her mother said tearily.

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

Clarice flung an ebony statue of a raven with shimmering ruby eyes at their feet. "That should cover it."

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

"Oh, wow," her dad said. "Yes, you should definitely be the Queen of Hell." "You'd never make this much as a pharmacist," her mother agreed.

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

"How well do you know this boy, honey?" "Well, he's been dogging my every step since the moment I was born, so pretty well I guess."

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

a dating service for Dark Queens and Lords whose elaborate maze-based proposals keep getting rejected by their mortal lovers

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014

maybe we can set those Lords up with all the false brides who get rejected at the last minute in fairy tales a la The Black Bull of Norroway

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 10, 2014