GHOST SCHEDULE:
Wind noises
Mess with cat
Get Scrooge to check his shit
Move knick knacks
Gaze at cheeseburger, unable to weep
— josswhedon

I just went to Jane Austen third base: making unpleasant eye contact with a handsome man on subway.
— erinhollyfenton

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”
— ShadyLadyHH

parenting tip
if you want to avoid the world’s aggressive gendering of your infant, consider skipping the pink dresses or blue coveralls in favor of dressing your baby solely in tiny halloween costumes

strangers on the sidewalk: aww, is it a boy or a girl?

you: uh…it’s pretty clearly a DINOSAUR
— idiopathicsmile

My spellchecker just softly and silently corrected “tumblr” to “tumor”. And I thought, WHAT DOES IT KNOW THAT I DO NOT?
— neilhimself

“You have my sword.”
“And you have my bow.”
“And my axe!”
“And my humidifier!”
“That’s nice, Murray.”
– The Fellowship of the Ring & Murray
— sween

before blaming others, think: whats the 1 constant in all your failed relationships? its that cursed egyptian amulet why do u even have that
— drarna

Gets tattoo in Sanskrit meaning: “It doesn’t say anything.”
*waits
— clindsaysway

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
— myles_morrison

I just described Purim to someone as “Jewish Halloween.” Or, Challahween.
— Alex_Edelman