If I were Neil Armstrong, on my deathbed I would have whispered “We weren’t the first” as my last dying breath.
— IamJackyBlack

Ladybug on the streets, praying mantis in the sheets.
— sween

5-year-old: Why does Mom always wrap a towel around her hair after she showers?
Me: She’s hiding Lord Voldemort on the back of her head.
— XplodingUnicorn

If you ask a dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.
— robfee

[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]
— TheTimmyToes

If I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I wouldn’t be saying “Yay!”
— UnFitz

Actually, something wicked has already arrived.
— _oculusmundi

I see the afterlife as nothing more than the promise of pantsing the non-departed.
— CM2BTTHD

Really? A fucking salad??
– Julius Caesar coming back to life
— DaddyJew

“I’m tired because my cat kept waking me up all night for cuddles,” he said probably-not-surviving-too-long-into-the-zombie-apocalypsely.
— sween