Priest: Do your children understand that we all answer to a higher power?
Me: They know all about Dumbledore.
— XplodingUnicorn

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
— PJTLynch

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
— IsisIrisimawake

NATURE FACTS: Nature will kill you and then make new things from you.
— NightValeRadio

I want a lady in the street & a lady in the sheets. I want one lady covering the exits, one watching the car park, and one sniping from the grassy knoll.
— bea_ker

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: …
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out
— skele_tim

Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green,
And other stuff is also the colour you would normally expect it to be,
Cheers.
— ChribHibble

I regard a ringing phone in much the same way as one might regard a coffee cup filled with millipedes.
— maureenjohnson

Don’t you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they’re laughing?
— badbanana

LADIES take your shirts off and tell anyone who asks you are breastfeeding a ghost
— mallelis