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the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
— iamspacegirl
Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like “yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it”
— eliyudin
It’s canon that Encyclopedia Brown died grappling with Bugs Meany above Reichenbach Falls.
— KenJennings
After conducting massive sleep studies we realized dreams were constant based on date.
Every January 27th was a dream about an unrequited love.
April 19th: Death.
June 10th: Flight.
This discovery was one of the final breakthroughs in realizing our universe was a simulation.
— thenewfiction
I scream.
You scream.
We all scream.
This is a support group for banshees.
— courtenlow
Before a dental appointment tuck a few small feathers inside your cheeks. When the dentist finds them, start purring.
— thewritertype
reasons why skeletons are good:
-always smiling
-everyone has one (egalitarian)
-no meat (cruelty free)
-doing their best
— unhaunting
SHOULD I EAT THIS APPLE: A GUIDE
in the following circumstances, do NOT eat the apple
– Snake with legs gave it to you
– Lobbed at you during wedding reception; gold
– Bicolored and offered by old woman bearing striking resemblance to ribbon-and-comb sellers
#folklorethursday
— Vengeful_Doe
Tonight at work a creepy dude asked me “what’s your secret to staying so slim and perky?” I responded “I’m a thousand year old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I’ve sacrificed” & an old lady nearby laughed; pretty sure this makes us an official coven
— isabelzawtun
Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Maintain pike intervals like there’s a maniple of legionaries charging who will close to sword range if you fuck up and give them an opening and then you, and all your battle brothers, are meat for the Roman beast.
— MykeCole
Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »
February 7th, 2018 at 7:08 pm
A particularly funny group of quotes. I especially like the banshee one.