[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
— Ygrene

Your skeleton is just a gift that time slowly unwraps.
— dorsalstream

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
— thechrisschmidt

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
— Prof_Hinkley

My outgoing message on my voicemail is 40 seconds of my dog licking himself. If you want to leave me a voicemail you’re gonna work for it.
— jessokfine

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
— PleaseBeGneiss

“I see my assassins failed.”
-how I’m going to greet people from now on
— Buffalojill

if a ghost picks a fight with you keep your elbows tucked in aim for the soft spots and remember someone already killed that motherfucker once
— minkpinkustink

i don’t go in bouncy castles because i’m afraid of bouncy dracula
— blainecapatch

When God closes a door, he opens a window, and that’s how all the angel squirrels got in here.
— dorsalstream