Seen Online
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
— Ygrene
Your skeleton is just a gift that time slowly unwraps.
— dorsalstream
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
— thechrisschmidt
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
— Prof_Hinkley
My outgoing message on my voicemail is 40 seconds of my dog licking himself. If you want to leave me a voicemail you’re gonna work for it.
— jessokfine
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
— PleaseBeGneiss
“I see my assassins failed.”
-how I’m going to greet people from now on
— Buffalojill
if a ghost picks a fight with you keep your elbows tucked in aim for the soft spots and remember someone already killed that motherfucker once
— minkpinkustink
i don’t go in bouncy castles because i’m afraid of bouncy dracula
— blainecapatch
When God closes a door, he opens a window, and that’s how all the angel squirrels got in here.
— dorsalstream
Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »
May 9th, 2019 at 3:53 am
BOUNCY DRACULA!
That would be *brilliant*.
June 3rd, 2019 at 7:08 pm
“I see my assassins failed.” and “ Oh, my friends! I’m so pleased you’re not dead!” are just two sides of the same, confusing-your-friends-and-enemies coin.