Bard: “What’s all this?”
Paladin: “The druid is in time-out.”
Bard: “What’d you do?”
Druid: “I was selling a gluten-free organic all-natural weight-loss thing.”
Bard: “And?”
Druid: “It was just hungry wolves. Lots of ’em.”
Paladin: “DO NOT GIGGLE AT THE DRUID’S ATROCITIES.”
— boomer_kid

No one ever talks about how an oubliette implies the existence of a larger, and far more terrifying, oobly.
— Brainmage

[job interview]
interviewer: so god killed all your kids?
job: that’s right
— DanMentos

Zdzisław Beksiński: So first I’ll paint some happy little trees
Beksiński: maybe a little bush
Beksiński: now a crumbling gothic cathedral covered in a pulsing web of arteries
Beksiński: you know, whatever makes you happy
— midnight_pals

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don’t get it. I’ve lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
— badjokesbyjeff

The fandom surrounding Pennywise as a character feels really weird considering Pennywise does not exist whatsoever in-canon and is only one of many, many illusory avatars invented on the fly by the Deadlights to eat people with. Yall think you’re thirsty for a baby eating clown but really just want to bang an alien’s novelty chopstick collection.
— bogleech

every morning our cat moves her toys from the bedroom to the living room while screaming, and every night she moves them back, also while screaming. i don’t know the purpose of the ritual but it is the central pillar of my faith
— paranaturalzack

WIZARD: demon I have summoned you to instruct me in the carnal arts
SUCCUBUS: *hands textbook* turn to page 23
[5 HOURS LATER]
SUCCUBUS: and that covers STDs, bringing us to protection. do you still have the ritual banana I gave you?
WIZARD: ☹️ yes
— deathbybadger

[Lord Byron after Percey Shelley died]
hey guys
you think maybe I could keep his skull?
just as a keepsake
not going to do anything weird with it like turn it into a goblet or something
oh these? yea ok yes these are my skull goblets, from a totally unrelated thing
— DanaSchwartzzz

i wish dwarves were real just because the folk metal they would produce would be completely unfathomable
— tripropellant