live your life in such a way that the Puritans would pass a law forbidding you from entering New England
— SketchesbyBoze

Son: daddy, will Santa be allowed to come this year?
Me: Afraid not, kiddo
Daughter: *dismantling bear trap* so we wait til next year?
Me: no… *loading crossbow* …we take the fight to him
— HansGrubertron

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
— drankturpentine

i no longer contain multitudes. there has been a breach. repeat, there has been a breach.
— thesravaka

police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now
— kieransofar

The McRib implies the existence of the McSkull.
— ZipperMouth_

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
— IvoryGazelle

The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party & turned all the wine into water. HATE that guy.
— JohnFugelsang

Could someone else please follow my dreams for a while? I just really need to sit down.
— dorsalstream

every woman you know has witnessed things she would rather not talk about: the girl whose face she stole and then trapped in a mirror, the untimely deaths of her three husbands, the fallen star whose heart she consumes to stay young
— SketchesbyBoze

it’s always “this doll is haunted and is ominously shattering the china” and never “how can I provide adequate enrichment for my haunted doll so she doesn’t destroy stuff out of boredom”

responsible haunted doll ownership means aknowledging your doll’s need for interaction and play time! make sure to give her plenty of stuff to look at with her rolling eyes and shatter-proof things to knock over.

remember that knocking picture frames off walls, inverting crosses, and leaving long and disturbing claw marks in your wallpaper is natural haunted doll behaviour and should be managed in a way which is healthy for both you and your doll!

Your Doll’s Not Evil, She’s Just Bored

— shakespork