I would’ve bought you flowers, but a drunk hamster lives about as long, costs the same, and is much more entertaining.
— sucittaM

My Native American name is “Seems Harmless at First”.
— Brain_Wash

No sir, I was NOT born yesterday. What kind of giant scary-ass newborns are you accustomed to seeing?
— goldengateblond

In 24 hours it’s been down a garbage chute and a flight of stairs and it almost fell in the toilet. My phone’s possessed by Joaquin Phoenix.
— AinsleyofAttack

I’m missing a fitted sheet and that can only mean one thing. There’s a ghost out there with absolutely no sense of style
— lafix

If I was Billy Zane, I’d probably tell every person I met I was in “Titanic”. It would pass the time while my eyebrows devoured them.
— sween

If I was a Jewish drag queen, I think I’d call myself Labia Menorah.
— goldengateblond

Maybe the dingo gave your baby to someone who wasn’t so fucking neglectful. You ever consider that?
— Brain_Wash