Pope says atheists pick & choose their morals. Correct. Today I will be frowning on child abuse & not having a problem with homosexuality.
— A_McLordy

Need a cigarette holder, green makeup, and a wheelchair to finish my Halloween costume (Frankenstein Delano Roosevelt).
— badbanana

“…and that’s where my fear of camels comes from…” http://twitpic.com/2wny2w
— TheFagCasanova

Every time you fart as you’re walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.
— robdelaney

By using the phrase “so random” you agree to the Terms and Conditions in which I stab you in the fucking face 3,000 times.
— debihope

Tea and fruit bats! #VictorianEraOrgasmYells
— pattonoswalt

A horse walks into a pub. “Why the long face?” asks the barman. The horse, unable to understand language, eats a beer mat.
— ncguk

Halloween costume warning. Once “Slutty Ira Glass” crosses your mind, it’s hard to seriously consider anything else.
— Remiel

Yesterday, stiff legs. Today, stiff back. My body must be practicing to be a corpse.
— badbanana

My neighbors thought the tombstones in my yard were festive until they saw their pets’ names scrawled on them.
— juicymorsel