In accordance with his will, Stephen King’s ashes are to be scattered across your children’s innermost fears.
MoorishDignity

I think it’s strange that I’m the only person who showed up dressed like singer Robert Smith at an event called Race For The Cure.
— SheBanggs

One time, long ago, when you weren’t looking, I swapped souls with you. Now yours is dirtier than mine. I want to swap back. Hold still.
— VeryShortStory

I like to imagine my toaster is in a sadomasochistic relationship with my bread. The bread has no safeword.
— sween

Shout out to the old lady on the train today with a bible and highlighter who looked me in the eyes, scowled, then highlighted something.
— juskewitch

Return to empty house. TV turned on to UFC. Faint smell of Axe body spray. Worst fear realized. My house has polterguys.
— badbanana

Radiohead are The Beatles if the Nazis had won.
— thesulk

An optimist sees the glass as half-full. A hipster knew about the glass before you did and doesn’t think it’s cool anymore.
— stevehuff

Live Fast. Die Young. Leave a Flesh Eating Corpse.
— Damon Gregory

The Pope now has a Facebook page. His relationship status reads: “I have candy”
— rationalists