A bird in the hand is worth significantly less if you’re Lennie from Of Mice and Men.
— nonsequiturific

Accidentally bought a Christmas wraith. Everyone dead.
— bengoldacre

In the land of the headless, the Headless Horseman is no better than the next guy. Suck it, Headless Horseman.
— thedayhascome

The opposite of having problems is death.
— YeahImAshley

Little known fact, vampires are allergic to magnesium. When ignited and shoved down their throat.
— Nobody Asked Me…

The reason there were no fish Nazis is simple: Fish Hitler got into fish art school.
— donni

This exists. http://twitpic.com/361bzj
— badbanana

The worst part of having a monster under my bed is lending it condoms.
— sween

Three Wise Men? Three of them? Now I really know the Bible isn’t real.
— Paxochka

It’s important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are fucking hilarious though.
— NakedNikki