I wish in Harry Potter, instead of saying “he who must not be named” they just called him Shmoldashmort.
— erockappel

I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.
— Zaius13

“Fire!” isn’t the worst thing you can yell in a crowded theater. It’s “Bruce Willis is dead”.
— King of the Hill

For young people wondering what the Dave Matthews Band is, imagine Jack Johnson having sex with all of the instruments in Whoville.
— sethmad

People are like snowflakes. I hate shoveling them off my driveway.
— badbanana

It must suck being a female necrophiliac.
— YUCKYBOT

Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.
— TheBosha

Worried you don’t get enough calcium? Kill people and eat their bones!
— donni

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you do things out of spite.
— sween

My bologna does not have a first name. I fear giving it one will make it self-aware.
— sucittaM