This all-you-can-eat buffet is a rip-off. There are so many things I can eat that aren’t here. For instance: crayons.
— sween

If I could have dinner w/ any 2 people from history, I’d pick Anne Frank & Hitler, because it would be so awkward for Hitler.
— nealbrennan

I cope better with the loud stomping of the lady upstairs if I imagine that she’s a Tyrannosaurus who just was told about masturbation.
— AinsleyofAttack

Sleep tight! And if I’m the one who finds your dead body. I will dress you up like a Smurf, and say that’s how I found you.
— thomaslennon

Planting a mime in my backyard. Not for a mime tree. Just had to put the body somewhere.
— donni

Aquariums are supposed to be stress-reducers, but the one full of lobsters at the grocery store gives off really tense vibes.
— Shoebox

the eyes are the windows to the dollhouse I made out of a human skull!!
— bubblebathos

If all the farts in this bedroom ever coalesce, that is gonna be one scary ghost.
— BarrettChase

I bought my wife a Japanese sex toy but it got away and scuttled up to a corner of the ceiling where it’s now just staring at me. Silently.
— peterbyrnes

Does Jesus have a vestigial organ made of Communion wafer? Or does he just hack willy-nilly? “This is my body. That’s a toe!”
— sween