The Art of Darkness

Helpful Tip

October 4th, 2007 by Cobwebs

Just in case you ever need to become fully awake at 3 a.m., allow me to share my method:

  1. Have a small child awake shrieking from some sort of Nightmare Extravaganza with SurroundSound.
  2. Stumble into his room and spend quite a long time calming and reassuring him. When he’s finally asleep, lurch back to bed.
  3. Juuust as your eyes are beginning to close, hear him crying hysterically and begging for you.
  4. When you stagger back into his room, have him look up at you with wide, terror-filled eyes and whisper despairingly, “Mommy…she’s out.”
I can guarantee that having a bucket of ice water dumped over your head will awaken you no more thoroughly.* With the hair on my neck standing straight up, I asked him who, exactly, was out.** “She” turned out to be one of his stuffed bears (he has a mommy bear and a baby bear), whose head was poking out from under his covers instead of being completely buried the way that he prefers. The rest of the hysteria was just leftover nightmare droppings. I had no problem sitting for a while and keeping him company; lord knows I wasn’t going back to sleep any time soon.

(Also, why does even the most mundane sentence sound a hundred times creepier when uttered by a small child?)

Children. An endless source of entertainment. Also terror.

*I don’t believe in ghosts, except at 3 o’clock in the morning, when I totally believe in them.

**And they’re probably those Japanese ghosts with pale skin and long hair and Big Goddamn Fangs. Not that I’m projecting.

Posted in Bittens, Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »