Once you understand that your success doesn’t depend upon the failure of others you’ll become less of an asshole.
— capricecrane

Mowing would be more fun if grass screamed a little.
— yoyoha

My favourite part of a restaurant visit is when the waiter comes over with the peppermill like it was found in the Ark of the Covenant.
— Beerhaze

If one pig would just get off his lazy ass and attempt to fly, a lot of people would have to do some really embarassing stuff.
— JordyHamrick

They never talk about the bad stuff in an obituary. Like “Devoted husband and father. Loved to laugh. Stabbed a guy once.”
— YUCKYBOT

Japan also has Amish people; they drive around in cars instead of teleporting in giant robots.
— OuterJohn

“What? Why am I a part of this?” – the horse you rode in on
— mikeleffingwell

Ghosts probably roll their eyes a lot.
— sween

In a coffee shop, surrounded by hipsters. Don’t worry, if they capture me I won’t tell them where we keep the shampoo.
— badbanana

All those punk rock girls who started ironically knitting in the 90s are now just ladies who knit.
— BarrettChase