Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There’s no way to opt out of his email newsletters.
— badbanana

Probably 98% of human history would have never happened if showing off for girls wasn’t a thing.
— shawnries

Blood is definitely thicker than water. This Kool-Aid is disgusting.
— _TomBrady

Wong is looking for the 12 coins of Confucius. Legend say he who bring all coins together have great power. Legends are always saying things like that. No legend ever says “Man who reunites the coins of Buddha will have the power to make songbirds feel as though they have just eaten.” It’s always power over the world.
— 100 Mysteries

My grandpa’s deaf. Phone calls are 20 minutes of me screaming, “I’m fine!” The neighbors must think I’m a black lab short of a Berkowitz.
— AinsleyofAttack

I think a fun way to either make or break a friendship is to show up with a horse costume built for two.
— SheBanggs

My son thought he was finally going through puberty. But nope. Werewolf.
— shariv67

You guys! Big news…let’s just say I’m eating for two now (Myself and the dead Victorian ghost girl who lives inside the wall).
— gordonshumway

Truth be told, I sort of wanted Carol Ann, in the movie Poltergeist, to tell her parents, “Up yours!” and refuse to go into the light.
— MistookMistake

When Harry was 17 he defeated the most powerful dark wizard of all time. When Luke was 17 he was farming moisture. #perspective
— SithSarcasm