You’ve never had fun until you’ve jerked around and screamed, “It’s got me! It’s got me!” while checking your blood pressure at Wal-Mart.
— MistookMistake

If I had three wishes, I’d first wish that my dog pooped candy corn. The other two wishes would be kind of irrelevant after that.
— AinsleyofAttack

If aliens invade earth, I hope they’re Bacon people. Because then I could totally save humankind.
— Shoebox

Anything related to Halloween doesn’t scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else’s toilet and the water keeps rising.
— MrFornicator

Disney’s greatest crime is convincing people that Dalmatians shouldn’t be turned into coats.
— robdelaney

BORED? Smile, nod and rub hands together as you enter an elevator. Shout, “THIS IS IT!” Don’t turn around to face the door. Not illegal.
— kellyoxford

My son says he has trouble sleeping through the night for no good reason. So I bought him an evil clown doll.
— shariv67

In a perfect world a “Party Pooper” would be someone who could shoot confetti out of their butt.
— sucittaM

Me: I’m excellent at my job. You’re lucky to have me. Boss: Why are you waving your hand? Me: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
— Schmoodles

Imagine a child, playing with chicken bones after the family meal, absorbed in his task. The pattern made by the neatly laid-out bones looks a bit familiar, but you can’t place it. So you ask, “What’s that you’re making there?”

The child looks at you and says, in a calm, quiet voice, “It’s me.”

Speaking for myself, at that point I go online and check to see if Amazon delivers exorcisms.
— Underwire, on the Kraken thing