If you told me 100% of serial killers were “morning people” I’d believe you.
— capricecrane

For the first time since my father died, I’m okay with the fact I’m never getting my nose back.
— sween

Pick your hotels according to one criteria: If I get murdered here, would this be a fun place to haunt?
— bobpowers1

If I was in charge of children’s parties I’d fill the piñata with intestines and give the little darlings good reason to scream.
— Paxochka

Eeyore was emo before emo was emo. He’s like the hipster of depression.
— TheBloggess

“Oh wow, way better!” -Jedi Knight trying out a gun
— GuyEndoreKaiser

There are fates far worse than death. For example, having your death reported in an online article with comments enabled.
— badbanana

Angelina Jolie looks like she eats a lot of spider webs
— IamEnidColeslaw

Evite tip, drum up some “buzz” by adding “OF DRACULA” to the name of your event. “You are invited to the Pampered Chef party…OF DRACULA!!”
— KenJennings

Next time I do LSD I’m definitely going to stay away from anyone that looks delicious.
— iamnotdiddy