As terrifying as being attacked by a mugger would be, it’s not often that you get an excuse to try to blind someone
— bridger_w

Next time your kid won’t eat carrots, scream: “Snowmen had to DIE for this meal!”
— AaronFullerton

“It’s A Wonderful Life” would be WAY darker if when George sees life without him, there’s 30 kids alive in town who had died mysteriously.
— rolldiggity

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
— XplodingUnicorn

Heads will roll. Torsos will kind of roll. Limbs will roll a short distance. Jawbones just kind of hit the ground & flip once.
— NightValeRadio

The worst thing about losing your glasses is having to drive to work with your head out of the window, beeping like a bat.
— ChribHibble

The worst thing about the 1978 Lord of the Rings cartoon is how they plan to destroy the ring by melting it in fondue.
— KenJennings

My daughter’s fortune cookie was empty and now we’re all sitting around waiting for her to die.
— scottsimpson

For me, “You can’t please everyone” isn’t a lament or an excuse. It’s a mission statement.
— kierongillen

‘Better than Laurie Strode’ probably isn’t the best way to market my skills as a babysitter.
— gordonshumway