If I had wings I am confident they would be veiny and leathery and not cute feather ones.
— wishyouwerecaro

I’d love to hear what would come out of my mouth if someone put a gun to my head and demanded that I commentate a football game
— bridger_w

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
— NicCageMatch

there used to be door-to-door knife salesmen, which is roughly the most terrifying thing ever conceived
— skullmandible

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
— Lisa_Laughs_

If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?
— MadamBetteNoire

I don’t call them naps, I call them die practice.
— SCOOPISMS

Will this job require me to use my hands because as you can see I have to hold my swords
— weinerdog4life

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
— joejwest

I like to think my rescue dog also rescued me, but mounting evidence suggests he himself committed the arson that fateful night.
— SomeChrisTweets