Because why not.

(via The Mary Sue)

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
— ceejoyner

“DADDY DADDY there’s a monster under the bed!”
*jumps up*
WHICH BED?
“mine”
OH THANK GOD. You’re on your own kid. Here’s a knife. Good luck.
— EndhooS

If I was invisible, I’d find bad mimes and silently beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.
— rolldiggity

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.
— MooseAllain

A graveyard full of blank gravestones and a can of permanent markers by the gate.
— NightValeRadio

Wait — did Venkman just HAPPEN to have 300ccs of Thorazine on him when he went on his date with Dana? What was he planning?
— pattonoswalt

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It’s not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
— vladchoc

Write the name of someone you hate on your body everyday in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they’ll become a suspect.
— markleggett

technically any building is a mausoleum if you die in it and they don’t find your body
— shutupmikeginn

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
12yo: WHAT?!
Me: Goodnight, son.
— TheMichaelRock

First thought: “Spider dog, spider dog, does whatever a spider dog can…”

Second thought: “That bit with the hanging body parts is stupid; spiders don’t dismember their prey before wrapping it up.”

Third thought: “I want a spider dog.”

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.” 29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
— IanKarmel

You can drag a piñata around the park like a dog, there’s no laws against that
— weinerdog4life

If you’re trying to gauge how far civilization has evolved, just remember that the Ancient Egyptians also used emoticons to communicate.
— KalvinMacleod

At this point in my life, it’s more hurtful than embarrassing that I haven’t received guidance from a forest spirit
— bridger_w

The fact it’s called a “funeral procession” and not a “deadline” is why I’m not the guy who names things.
— Sickayduh

Just wrote Eldritch Horror and autocorrect turned it into Britches Horror and not gonna lie that does sound pretty terrifying
— matthewbaldwin

NEVER FORGET: Tilda Swinton is probably in your bedroom staring at you RIGHT now. Nighty night!
— JennyJohnsonHi5

no but women are so badass okay
because there will inevitably come a point in every woman’s life where she wakes up in a pool of her own blood and her reaction will be dammit now i have to do laundry
that is some suave superhero shit and you won’t ever be able to convince me otherwise
— Sassy McCoy

I’ve always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, “You know what to do”
— iGreenMonk

The average person eats 8 spiders in their sleep every year, but that’s including the 22 billion consumed by Unlucky Jeff.
— JohnnyMcNulty

Fantasycon’s Murray Triplett and Greg Johnson have a new webseries about monsters and heroes playing an RPG where they pretend to be office workers and make saving throws against being noticed by their bosses when they sneak in to work late.

Although this is not exactly a new idea (the original AD&D Dungeon Master’s Guide, printed in 1979, included this cartoon), the series looks like a lot of fun.

The first episode is below; the rest are in their playlist.

(via BoingBoing)

Mario Wienerroither, who makes “musicless music videos” like this one, decided to go in the opposite direction and created a condensed version of the silent classic Nosferatu…but “silentless.” It is sublime.

(via Blame It On the Voices)

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
— yoyoha

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
— Mitch Hedberg

When i see lovers names carved in trees. Sure, i think its cute
But i also think its fkn strange how many ppl bring knives on a date.
— SmartAssBastard

Next time someone preaches to you about living healthy, just reply with these four words: “Keith Richards is 70.”
— Ruth_A_Buzzi

Experts agree, “3D printing offers us the exciting possibility of a virus that causes murderous skeletons to emerge from your computer”
— direlog

“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.
— DaveWeasel

Carefully-written fact-checked essay in the streets, unmoderated comments section in the sheets.
— tejucole

A carnival haunted house filled with bakers and chefs who jump out and yell “Gluten!”
— badbanana

My favourite thing about Scooby-Doo is that supernatural events occur and nobody suspects the four out-of-towners with a talking dog.
— sixthformpoet

I like how we call them earth worms. It implies that there are also space worms.
— cluedont

Pffft. No contest.

(via Burning Prairie)

“I’ll hold your stuff.”

(Hat tip to pdq)

The Toast has an amusing list of modern curses that you can yell the next time somebody cuts you off in traffic.

A few of them aren’t really “modern” in that they’d work in pretty much any day and age:

May you achieve just enough success to keep you from giving up and finding satisfaction elsewhere, but never enough success to truly relax.

May everyone you lend books to return them unread or keep them forever.

Many of them are technology-dependent:

Whenever you want to watch either Working Girl or 9 To 5, may the other one always be the only one streaming on Netflix Instant.

May none of your friends take your food allergy seriously; may they always pretend to forget just before serving you something you’ve told them you can’t possibly eat.

I think this one is my favorite:

May you never be understood in the comments.

Many commenters have contributed suggestions of their own, and some of them are lethal:

May the username you chose in 1997 because no one else had it (no numbers after your name!) and have had ever since, which you use on all social media and your personal email, become the name of a hate group, a boy band, or a reality show.
— Vera_Knoop

May your google image search results (for anything, and everything) always include a photo with holes and pods.
— omg_kitties

And commenter Elsa is Emily rejoined with a list of modern benedictions:

May your readers always know that you keen out not an indictment but the common anxieties between you.

May your wifi never waver, nor your bars drop below four.

May your co-workers understand the mundane truth that “It is what it is,” but never give you a plaque inscribed with those words in the Secret Santa swap.

May the world be large enough to accommodate your idiosyncratic passions, and small enough to find others who do.

I can think of a few other curses too:
“May your Save function always fail.”
“May your boss stumble upon your Twitter feed.”
“May online dating sites pair you repeatedly with your ex.”
“May you be logged out of eBay just as you go to place a last-minute bid.”
“May you accidentally hit Reply All.”

Got any others? Leave ’em in the comments!