Welcome to my bed and breakfast. You have the choice of being buried in the attic or basement. Just kidding! The haunted dolls decide.
— JRobb773
there is one rat for every person in new york city
if you live in new york city then one day, when you die, your personal rat will appear and lead you to the underworld
— kuttithevangu
If I were Belle, there’s no way I could shit in the castle. How do you know that’s a real toilet, not Hank the servent with the scat fetish?
— Aimee_B_Loved
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
— HMittelmark
During the heat wave look in on elderly relatives and neighbors. If they’ve become avatars of the sun, bow and sing the old hymns again.
— MagicWeather
Extroverts get energy from interacting with people; introverts get energy from the blood of an ancient god found beneath the old city
— SeeBeeWhitman
Oh sure, we work hard, but we also play hard. And we die hard. Most of us can’t be killed without magic.
— BeTheCookie
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
— dafloydsta
The boys are back in town. It’s a 17 year cycle. They’ll die off in a few weeks. We’ll sweep millions of boy carcasses out and carry on.
— Brockway_LLC
those who make fun of you for reading fairy-tales won’t know how to work the counter-spell when you turn them into geese.
— SketchesbyBoze
If I had a time machine I’d go and hide in the future and jump out and scare everyone when they arrive.
— thewritertype
The mortal dipped the quill in his blood, and paused. “What do you need souls for, anyway?”
The demon hesitated. “Company. We get lonely.”
— MicroSFF
On average, a human will swallow 20 spiders in their sleep, yet no one seems interested in finding out who is putting spiders in your mouth.
— SamSykesSwears
Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
— PhuckinCody
My body is a temple. It’s full of traps and an ancient, unspeakable curse.
— inkhat
Parents aren’t scared of Haunted Hayrides-we’re used to sticky people jumping out of the dark while yelling & poking us with weird objects.
— DomesticGoddss
Story about a guy tormented by visions of the dead, but he never notices, because he’s always looking at his phone
— timpratt
The Wizard of Oz may not have been a very good wizard, but he was able to make a fully functional 3D hologram with early 1900’s technology.
— rShowerThoughts
You know that tattoo you sometimes see of cobwebs on the elbows… What are they trying to say? That they rarely dust their elbows?
— tobydavies
Full moon is over. It’s okay. I was vaccinated against it. I don’t change anymore. That’s good.
I’m good.
But sometimes I miss being human.
— MicroSFF
The first guy to hear a parrot talk probably was not okay for a few days #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts
What are skeletons? Nobody knows. What we do know is they burrow into coffins, eat the body inside, and use the now empty coffin as a shell
— egg_dog
I feel bad for these RPG monsters. All those years it took to grow so large! How are we altering the ecosystem when we remove the megafauna?
— danctheduck
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
— LizHackett
Every time I see a chameleon, I assume they’re on break.
— JerryThomas
A SPIDER CRAWLED ON MY HAND & WHEN I SHOOK IT OFF IT LANDED IN AN OPEN BAG OF COOL RANCH DORITOS
DO I BURN IT OR DID I INVENT A NEW FLAVOR
— melgillman
you know what’s always bugged me? when a character is faced with some magical two headed being or some shit and one always lies while the other tells the truth and to figure out which is which the character’s like “which one of you is the liar” or something like bruh literally all you gotta do is be like “what’s two plus two” one of them’s gonna say four and the other one is gonna say 83 or some shit. there you go. answered. go on with your magical quest to defeat david bowie.
— kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd
BRAM STOKER: I wrote this 64-page story about a vampire
EDITOR: It’s good but can you add 300 pages of vampire hunters tracking a shipment
— herealeatwood
The worst part about dinosaurs being extinct is that some of them probably tasted awesome. We’re missing an entire category of meat.
— rShowerThoughts
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
— normwilner
Cactus are the most antisocial plant, they grow in the middle of the desert and still like, “Don’t fucking come near me”. #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts
Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
— gothicaseas
Hodor and Groot on a date trying to order food
— biorhythmist
I fry all my mythological creatures in gargoyle.
Yeah yeah, I’m leaving.
— E_lok44
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house
— malt_skull
Hobbit cozy mysteries could actually be a thing.
LOBELIA GETS THE SACK
MURDER IN THE MATHOM-HOUSE
A SHORTCUT TO MUSHROOM POISONING
— scottlynch78
Archaeologists, 300 years from now, excavating my skeleton:
“what’s that thing that she’s holding?”
“That, I believe, is a grudge”
— kchurchie
you find a mad libs book on the ground and find that it’s filled completely with proper, sensible words for the situation at hand. a small child in a perfectly tailored gray suit tugs on your shirt with ice-cold hands and politely asks for it back
— korolevx
why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders
— painted_eel
Horror movies should include bloopers, so after watching the main film you’ll be able to sleep #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts
Sometimes British humor is a little bit meta. And sometimes British humor is a whoooooole bunch meta. And then there’s Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. It’s a horror parody series about a television show that never ran in the 1980s. The AV Club reviews it, saying:
Purporting to be the lost TV effort of “author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor” Garth Marenghi (Matthew Holness), the series doesn’t just parody blowhard literary types like the one played by co-creator Holness—it riffs on the entire “brilliant but canceled” myth. The show-within-a-show structure of Darkplace presents a loser’s history of a lost “classic” that was lost for a reason.
It is glorious, and the whole season (plus DVD “extras”) is available on YouTube. Here’s the first episode:
You know, sometimes, late at night, in the dark, I ask myself: Am I REALLY that likely to be eaten by a grue?
— scalzi
“Wheeeeee!” – Glenn Danzig, riding an owl around a graveyard
— robdelaney
“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
— Mr_Kapowski
If someone dramatically says “don’t ask”, I like to loudly exclaim “phew, you don’t have to tell me twice, I really didn’t care”.
— LeLigreLovekill
“Fuck it, just add a werewolf” – the 80’s.
— Dawn_M_
When I die, I’d like my remains scattered along the beach.
That said, I do not want to be cremated.
— danagould
When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.
— thewritertype
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
— SunshineJarboly
The saddest movies are the ones where the awesome weird girl turns normal and everyone is bizarrely happy about it.
— MichaelTrying
Back in my day they taught the five R’s: Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithmetic, Rhience, and Rocial Rudies. My teacher was a Hanna-Barbera dog.
— therealeatwood
If I’m ever being followed in a car, I’m gonna go to a fast food drive-thru and test their commitment.
— rShowerThoughts
When Frankenstein Jr. was kidnapped, his father cunningly just waited for the kidnappers to send him all the bits.
— OhLookBirdies
There’s a foster home for body parts in my neighbourhood and it’s raising a lot of eyebrows.
— DurtMcHurtt
A baby werewolf would be great, as one day a month, your baby would turn into a puppy!
— ShowerThoughts
People always slam elevator music and that’s very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.
— Tmoney68
Late at night leave some broken, muddy planks outside an undertakers with a note: “Your puny coffins cannot hold me. I shall return.”
— thewritertype
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
— badbanana
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
— upsidedowntrash
If the movie “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” took place in Australia, those kids would have died real fucking quick.
— rShowerThoughts
“The Monster Mash” is my favorite song about a scientist making excuses to his wife for coming home late and smelling of monster.
— rolldiggity
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
— AndyRichter
tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree – quick – bind it with the old magics before it wakes and turns to us again
— mallelis
I saw a blind guy with a full sleeve tattoo and it made me wonder if he’d always been blind. Because that’s a lot of trust.
— mimismartypants
Pro tip: “Foolish mortals” is a gender-neutral form of address.
— Black_Isis
Now hang on–How are all these bats *getting into* hell in the first place?
— dessadarling
Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of space vampires. #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts
Google should do a thing where if you type in “clown sighting” the first result is always “BEHIND YOU” in blood-red.
— pattonoswalt
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
— _ElvishPresley_
Alright kid I’m gonna kill your whole family and leave you the sole survivor but don’t like, dedicate yourself to revenge about it
[10 years later while hanging off the side of a bridge on fire, about to fall to my doom] man what did I say about this
— iscoff
THIS PUB SELLS A BEER CALLED DORIAN GRAY. IT DOES NOT SELL THIS BEER IN PITCHERS. I CANNOT GET A PITCHER OF DORIAN GRAY.
— applebamos
Real women have razor-sharp teeth and barbed tentacles and oh god who opened a portal to the real women dimension THEY’RE COMING RUN
— missokistic
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
— ninjadinosaur1
I love how in Addams Family Values at the beginning they’re like is it a boy? is a girl? and Gomez is just like IT’S AN ADDAMS :D like stop trying to gender my baby, it’s goth that’s all that matters
— vivisextion
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
— TheCatWhisprer
You are haunted by the ghosts of Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore, and there absolutely no one you can call
— badedgecases
Ghosts are hard to photograph because, when alive, many didn’t believe in ghosts, and now they’re embarrassed to be ghosts, so they hide.
— thewritertype
Every time I feel unexpected pain, I wonder if my descendants got hit so hard that their ancestors could feel it.
— rShowerThoughts
A man I don’t know tells me to smile. My jaw unhinges and the True Me emerges from my throat. She is smiling, but not like he’d hoped.
— ErinEph
lavabendinggemqueen: writing-prompt-s:
Cthulhu, as an eldritch being, sees humans as humans see insects;
which is to say, harmless but inexplicably terrifying.
#cthulhu chasing humanity around with a shoe while crying
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s the result of a freak lab accident that altered her DNA and turned her into a–look, just run already.
— missokistic