When adults tell kids “You’ll understand when you’re older,” it means “you’ll understand not to ask.”
— donni

Phantom cellphone vibrations are your dead ancestors calling you.
— YUCKYBOT

If it looks like a duck & quacks like a duck, it’s a murderer, disguised as a duck.
— robdelaney

If you spell it “grammer”, you don’t get to correct it.
— MeetingBoy

Sleep tight! And if you should die before you wake — did you clear your browser history?
— thomaslennon

I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
— kellyoxford

The post office should have a theme song and it should be played by Slayer.
— AinsleyofAttack

Why is it always hair loss & incontinence? Why can’t playing the oboe or the power to summon eagles be side effects? Looking at you, Pfizer.
— derekasaurus

People who say “If I disappeared, no one would notice” are wrong. Anyone who actually saw you vanish would be pretty freaked out.
— capricecrane

There is porn in Hell, but it’s skeleton porn :(
— serafinowicz