You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. And good luck trying to make it smoke. So, basically: You can’t make horses party
— DemetriMartin

Tampons are so close to being mouse shaped. If one brand would add tiny soft little ears, I’d be brand loyal for life. LIFE.
— kellyoxford

When she gives me those puppy dog eyes, I just know she’s been mutilating puppies again.
— donni

I bet every so often Tony the Tiger skips the corn flakes and rips open a gazelle.
— JerryThomas

goth clan…it’s like a gang, except when it’s time for them to jump you in, all they do is hold you down & put too much eyeliner on you
-Inox

Kids, don’t be afraid to follow your dreams. But be very afraid if those dreams manifest physical form & start following you. It happens.
— DeathStarPR

My mind is like a steel trap. I don’t know what that means, but I’m afraid there’s a squirrel trapped inside my brain.
— thedayhascome

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.
— BillMc7

I wasn’t upset about that black cat crossing my path but mouthing “you’re fucked” as he passed was just rude.
— stevetweeters

His sign said “will work for food” so my broccoli hired him.
— rodney