The Bloggess recently shared the best and worst Christmas presents she had ever received, and encouraged her commenters to join in. I think this is a splendid idea and am certainly not too proud to steal from her. What are the best and worst gifts you’ve ever received (for Christmas or any other occasion)? Here are mine:
Best: My own copy of a particular Andre Norton book that I had checked out from the library about a zillion times. I was around 10, and instead of playing with toys I spent the afternoon re-re-reading my book.
Worst: Two are tied for this, both from my quasi-ex-mother-in-law: One was a toilet brush, which I am not convinced was unused. The other was a bizarre stuffed Shih Tzu that appeared to be less “toy” than “taxidermy.” I thought, “Huh,” stuck it in a box in a storage shed, and forgot all about it. A couple of years later I was in the process of moving out; I was alone, and by the time I got to the shed it was nearly dark. Nervously hurrying to finish and leave, I opened a mysterious musty box and discovered what I initially mistook to be a long hank of human hair, attached to something lumpy which was about the size of a human head. I nearly pissed myself thinking that I’d stumbled upon the remains of a murder. Then I realized it was that goddamn toy dog.
Now it’s your turn! Share your best/worst gifts in the comments.
When you see an old lady whose dog is wearing clothes, a fun thing to ask her is how long ago the evil wizard turned her husband into a dog.
— KenJennings
Once again, the World’s Oldest Living Person has died– Serial killer?
— kellyoxford
If you found out you were dying would you be nicer, love more, try something new?
Well, you are.
We all are.
— shanethevein
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
— ceejoyner
“The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be… AWESOME! Watch me shoot lightning FROM MY HANDS.” ―Palpatine
— DeathStarPR
He died doing what he loved: revealing his evil plans while I unlocked my handcuffs
— briangaar
Lets take a moment and thank God that spiders can’t fly.
— OhMrWonka
We are the livestock of plants and trees, which feed us and give us air knowing that we will soon die and feed them.
— NightValeRadio
1. Dress as puppet. 2. Stand in elevator with strings running from your limbs to ceiling. 3. Whisper, “Help me…” as other passengers enter
— rolldiggity
“JEFFREY ALLEN MCINTOSH! IF YOU DON’T GET IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL GET WERNER HERZOG TO STARE AT YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP!”
— sween
Cassandra Peterson’s alter ego Elvira has never suffered from underexposure, appearing in everything from video games to comic books to calendars; but I had no idea that she nearly had her own sitcom.
In 1993 CBS produced a pilot episode of The Elvira Show, which involved two witches (Elvira and Katherine Helmond) moving to Manhattan, Kansas, with their talking cat. The pilot was never aired, but it’s available on YouTube.
Writer and comedian Melissa Hunter is doing a series of videos depicting the life of Wednesday Addams after she grows up and moves out of the Addams Manor. The first one is below; the rest are on her YouTube channel.
Just once I’d like to see someone coolly walking away from an explosion walk right into a spider web.
— yoyoha
Everyone says they want a fairy tale wedding. But as soon as I show up and curse their baby I’m “out of line”.
— YourKyness
It’s really a lack of imagination that makes children check under the bed. Like the monsters couldn’t be floating invisibly just above you?
— NightValeRadio
Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?
— rolldiggity
Actually I would love to try cauliflower but it looks like broccoli’s ghost and I don’t eat haunted foods.
— HonestToddler
I can’t believe there was ever a time when I didn’t understand why Charlie Bucket’s grandparents stayed in bed for twenty years.
— DJRotaryRachel
I like how Dracula wore a bow tie. Didn’t need to. Did so anyway, even without the help of a mirror. That’s class.
— badbanana
They Found Her Earring In Your Car, Charlie Brown
— pattymo
I want the word pizza tattooed on my arm in Japanese, people will think its something deep & emotional but really it just says pizza
— iphone420s
If my Ouija board keeps saying “ANYBODY WANT A PEANUT” is it Andre the Giant or just some asshole ghost doing Princess Bride quotes
— KenJennings
Long, long ago, in the early days of the World Wide Web, setting up a website was: a) Difficult and b) Expensive. Today it is neither, and although that means that any tinfoil-hat-wearing yahoo can set up a site claiming that the Royal Family is actually a bunch of lizard people from Zeta Reticuli, it also means that anybody with a silly idea like a dating service for ghosts can run with it. I think the tradeoff is worth it.
Ghost Singles is a site where girl ghosts can meet boy ghosts in hopes of becoming soulmates (:::rimshot:::). And they play it totally straight. From the privacy statement (“We understand that just because you float around in nothing but your nightgown night after night doesn’t mean you want anything less than total privacy.”) to contact information that includes “Gypsy” (“Wispy smoke followed by three swirls (crystal ball), or tea leaves in the shape of a goat”), the site never breaks character. Here’s part of their “Dating Tips” page:
Etiquette
By now you’ve learned that your fellow phantoms come from many eras; some may be hundreds of years old, or more! This means that cultural standards will vary widely; what may have been taboo in your generation might be the norm in the one a few generations from now.
It would be impossible to list the details of every culture throughout all time, but there are some behaviors that are universally approved — and others that are universally disliked. Here’s a quick primer.
Ask questions. Get to know your date. How did he or she die? What was it like to stand over their own lifeless corpse? Did they see a light at the end of a tunnel, and if so, why didn’t they go towards it? You may find you have a lot in common.
Compliment your date. Are they looking ghastly? Particularly eldritch? Be sure to let them know!
Don’t kiss on the first date. Don’t kiss ever, in fact, because your faces just pass through each other, and it’s really weird for both parties.
Don’t be offended if they suddenly disappear. You should know as well as anyone that existence in this twilight realm can be inconsistent. If your date vanishes, don’t be too quick to judge.
Unlike other parody dating sites which are mainly fronts for real dating services, this is apparently done entirely for the hell of it. (The creator, incidentally, appears to be Randy Tayler, whose site is linked from the bottom of the home page.) It’s nice to see this sort of untrammeled silliness.
Long, long ago, in the early days of the World Wide Web, setting up a website was: a) Difficult and b) Expensive. Today it is neither, and although that means that any tinfoil-hat-wearing yahoo can set up a site claiming that the Royal Family is actually a bunch of lizard people from Zeta Reticuli, it also means that anybody with a silly idea like a dating service for ghosts can run with it. I think the tradeoff is worth it.