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Monopoly is to the contemporary board gamer as garlic-infused kryptonite snakes are to Super Vampire Indiana Jones.
— Lore Sjoberg
I’m starting a band that only plays polka songs about Nostradamus’s predictions. We’ll call ourselves Accordion to Prophecy.
— tehawesome
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
— Demetri Martin
The worst thing about being a vampire: people thinking I have fake teeth I won from skee ball, when I’m clearly an oversized sunglasses guy.
— luckyshirt
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
— Aimee_B_Loved
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! I thought we should make this funeral more of a celebration. Who knows the macarena?
— jorshuwah
Liquor is like water that puts out.
— loresjoberg
Canadian Kanye West: IMMA LET YOU FINISH! No. Really. Go on.
— sween
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