The road to hell is not paved with good intentions but marshmallow fluff, and the damned are made to wear Crocs as they walk it.
– shariv67

For those about to rock: Why are you prepping to rock? There’s no planning involved in rocking! Dear god IS THAT A SPREADSHEET??
– behindyourback

Back off, or I’ll use this butterfly to start a chain reaction leading to a terrifying alternate future.
– talks_in_maths

“Are monsters real, daddy?” “Like on TV?” “Yeah.” “Totally. George Bush, Dick Cheney, Tony Hayward… all real. Now, go to sleep, dear.”
– iamnotdiddy

Instead of Little Caesar’s I go to Little Caligula’s. The pizza is the same, but it’s served to you on top of a naked 16-year-old boy.
– Jordan_Morris

Sometimes I like to scream “Am I not merciful?” when I hand money to homeless people.
– ruthakers

When there’s a full moon, the everywherewolf is always right behind you! However, don’t mind the shampire; he does not exist.
– tehawesome

Twilight’s like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don’t understand.
– bretterlich