Just once I want to see “Soooo many animals harmed in the making of this movie. Like, SO many. An insane amount. Too many, probably.”
— shelbyfero

You have not seen true love until you have seen a grown man play Barbie with a little girl.
— Just_PYKA

I’m certain if Bram Stoker knew Dracula would eventually lead to Twilight he would’ve slit his own wrists with a bat wing.
— Jason_maybe

I work at a reverse suicide hotline. We cold call people who should seriously consider killing themselves, like Mel Gibson, for example.
— shariv67

My mom just sent me four chain emails and an inspirational quote. I responded with eight links to nursing homes. Waiting for her response.
— ixSEANxi

Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
— MrBrown_Eye

There should be only one World’s Greatest Dad shirt. And you should have to kill the previous owner to wear it.
— dominicdierkes

Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.
— sween

Little kids need to be taught that the 5th time they ask the same question, their grandpa will be eaten by a robot wolf.
— robdelaney

My son’s homework consists of writing sentences using vocabulary words. I convinced him to use “puts” in “It puts the lotion in the basket.” I expect a parent-teacher conference any day now.
— me, on Facebook*

*I wouldn’t usually consider myself worthy of inclusion on this list, but that status got a ridiculous number of positive comments. Which means that all of my friends are sick, sick people. (It also means o hai! I’m on Facebook. Come friend me.)