The Art of Darkness

Modern Curses

June 18th, 2014 by Cobwebs

CurseThe Toast has an amusing list of modern curses that you can yell the next time somebody cuts you off in traffic.

A few of them aren’t really “modern” in that they’d work in pretty much any day and age:

May you achieve just enough success to keep you from giving up and finding satisfaction elsewhere, but never enough success to truly relax.

May everyone you lend books to return them unread or keep them forever.

Many of them are technology-dependent:

Whenever you want to watch either Working Girl or 9 To 5, may the other one always be the only one streaming on Netflix Instant.

May none of your friends take your food allergy seriously; may they always pretend to forget just before serving you something you’ve told them you can’t possibly eat.

I think this one is my favorite:

May you never be understood in the comments.

Many commenters have contributed suggestions of their own, and some of them are lethal:

May the username you chose in 1997 because no one else had it (no numbers after your name!) and have had ever since, which you use on all social media and your personal email, become the name of a hate group, a boy band, or a reality show.
— Vera_Knoop

May your google image search results (for anything, and everything) always include a photo with holes and pods.
— omg_kitties

And commenter Elsa is Emily rejoined with a list of modern benedictions:

May your readers always know that you keen out not an indictment but the common anxieties between you.

May your wifi never waver, nor your bars drop below four.

May your co-workers understand the mundane truth that “It is what it is,” but never give you a plaque inscribed with those words in the Secret Santa swap.

May the world be large enough to accommodate your idiosyncratic passions, and small enough to find others who do.

I can think of a few other curses too:
“May your Save function always fail.”
“May your boss stumble upon your Twitter feed.”
“May online dating sites pair you repeatedly with your ex.”
“May you be logged out of eBay just as you go to place a last-minute bid.”
“May you accidentally hit Reply All.”

Got any others? Leave ’em in the comments!

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 4 Comments »