If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
— AndyRichter

tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree – quick – bind it with the old magics before it wakes and turns to us again
— mallelis

I saw a blind guy with a full sleeve tattoo and it made me wonder if he’d always been blind. Because that’s a lot of trust.
— mimismartypants

Pro tip: “Foolish mortals” is a gender-neutral form of address.
— Black_Isis

Now hang on–How are all these bats *getting into* hell in the first place?
— dessadarling

Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of space vampires. #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts

Google should do a thing where if you type in “clown sighting” the first result is always “BEHIND YOU” in blood-red.
— pattonoswalt

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
— _ElvishPresley_

Alright kid I’m gonna kill your whole family and leave you the sole survivor but don’t like, dedicate yourself to revenge about it
[10 years later while hanging off the side of a bridge on fire, about to fall to my doom] man what did I say about this
— iscoff

THIS PUB SELLS A BEER CALLED DORIAN GRAY. IT DOES NOT SELL THIS BEER IN PITCHERS. I CANNOT GET A PITCHER OF DORIAN GRAY.
— applebamos