I would swear I’d linked to this before, but a look through my archive comes up empty so I blame the elves.

This short film illustrates the truism that most horror movies would be about five minutes long if all of the characters behaved sensibly.

All humans born in the future already exist, it’s just that the matter they’re made from is dispersed.
— xeLnitraM

There are different versions of you living within the minds of others. I wonder how different they all are.
— doubledoorsd4

how fucked up would it be if an astronaut was coming back to earth and everybody hid for a bit
— dajo42

Guy in heaven: Impossible, I died in 1890
Me: But I’m SURE I know you
G: ……Fine.*sigh* I’m told I’m in something called the “Cheers credits”
— KenJennings

Since bat wings are just skin stretched between elongated finger bones, bats fly through the power of jazz hands.
— thatmeddlingkid7

vampires always like “i could kill you if I wanted” like? yeah? so could another human being. so could a dog. so could a dedicated duck. you arent special
— glassraptor

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
— TheToddWilliams

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
— SteveSuckington

My imaginary friend has a real friend.
— Elijah6053

[in this tweet I’m the janitor who works in the nightclub from the beginning of the movie Blade, arriving to work]: oh god dammit
— iscoff

Gryffindor: Do what is right
Ravenclaw: Do what is wise
Hufflepuff: Do what is kind
Slytherin: PUT A FUCKING BASILISK IN THE CASTLE
— HogwartsLogic

I feel like people in horror movies live in an alternate universe where there are no horror movies.
— BizzieLaehr

on earth: a magician puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabbit council must chose a sacrifice
— jonnysun

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
— iscoff

Winter is like the Earth’s period. No one likes it, but we get worried when it’s late
— Shower Thoughts

“A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear.” No. The prettiest thing you can wear is the flayed skin of a stranger telling you to smile.
— missokistic

I love how whenever ghosts or spirits are incorporated into television or film they’re always like 19th century British children or present-day deceased loved ones. Over 100 billion people have lived and are dead now. Do you know what percentage of 100 billion are from Victorian-era England or people you actually knew? Like negative zero percent is how many. And yet I haven’t seen a single movie where the ghost is some really confused guy from the Mesolithic period.
— outofcharacterquilts

In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.
— hypermog

“There’s a monster under my bed!”
“Yes. He watches over you at night and chases away your nightmares.”

“There’s a monster in my closet!”
“Yes. She loves the smell of the laundry detergent I use, and she’s busy trying to organize your shoes.”

“There’s a monster under the stairs!”
“Yes. She collects spiders and he makes sure you don’t trip while going to get water.”

“There’s a monster right outside my window!”
“Yes. He’s pulling weeds from the garden and protecting us from burglars.”

“There’s a monster behind the couch!”
“Yes. He’s eating all the crumbs you left behind and hiding pennies in the cushions.”

“Oh. Then good night.”
“Good night, Dear.”

— markvincentofdesertbluffs

if i was a ghost i would do useful things like let the cat out or take flammable things off the stove and sing to small children when they can’t sleep and terrify the fuck out of assholes hell yeah bitches. what was that? did I hear you make a derogatory remark about women? bam, your lamp is now on the floor what cha going to do punk? are you abusing that child? wambo, your walls are now bleeding motherfucker
— no-need-4-hats-thx

I’m eating your food and your Netflix suggestions are gonna be fucked up.
“Why the fuck would I be watching Supernatural?”
“Ooooooo don’t take that off your queue oooooo.”
— Tyree

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.
— _Snape_

If someone killed the 1st zombie, stopping a zombie apocalypse from happening, he\she would more than likely go to prison.
— rShowerThoughts

I just think Halloween is too small in its ambition. We can be creepy EVERY DAY.
— maureenjohnson

The best part of home ownership is that when I clean the house I pretend to be my own rebellious lady’s maid who’s getting above her station

And then when I’m done cleaning the house I can pretend to be my own queenly housekeeper who finds fault in my own work

A lot of home ownership is doing everything myself but pretending to be a complex staff of Regency-era servants and masters

Like I mopped yesterday but today I skated around my kitchen on Windexed paper towels grumbling about my unsatisfactory mopping

I shall have to have a word with myself, the slattern
— mallelis

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
— ceejoyner

If someone doesn’t show up from the future to stop you how bad of an idea could it be?
— 1evilidiot

A dildo is the sex toy most likely to be referenced in a hobbit rap battle.
— elizabeth_fels

Disappointed there’s no Brazilian horror movie about tourists-turned-zombies called A Gringo Ate My Baby.
— missokistic

Are Medusa’s leg hairs tiny snakes?
— Shower Thoughts

You know those cutesy embroidery-looking graphics with, like, a butterfly saying “Be a bitch” or “Never Apologize” in cursive letters? (and the butterflies and flowers with faces and pastel colors are supposed to show that these are messages for women, only somehow that isn’t sexist)? They show up a lot on certain pop feminist blogs and they’ve always bugged me.

Anyway, I kind of want to do a series of opposite graphics. Like, a really metal looking t-rex saying in spiky, blood-dripping letters “Be polite to all you interact with” or a flaming shark saying “err on the side of apologizing if you think you may have hurt someone.” Fuck the “cutesy aggression” aesthetic. I want snarling, badass, compassionate etiquette.
— truffledmadness

After a long hiatus, it’s finally time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, as always, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of characters, you have to decide which one you’d rather sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time it’s Scary Monsters and Super Creeps.

The Sharp-Dressed Man Matchup
The Gentlemen (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)	vs.	The Silence (Doctor Who)

The Entirely Too Much Mucous Matchup
Xenomorph (Alien)	vs.	Yautja (Predator)

The Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have Matchup
Martian (Mars Attacks!)	vs.	Invaders (They Live)

The Wicked Witches Matchup
Wicked Witch of the West (Wizard of Oz)	vs.	Grand High Witch (The Witches)

The Ugly on the Inside (Male) Matchup
Mr. Dark (Something Wicked This Way Comes)	vs.	Goblin King (Labyrinth)

The Ugly on the Inside (Female) Matchup
Maleficent (Maleficent)	vs.	Queen Ravenna (Snow White and the Huntsman)

The Psycho Slasher Matchup
Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)	vs.	Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

The Harryhausen’s Hotties Matchup
Medusa (Clash of the Titans)	vs.	Kali (The Golden Voyage of Sinbad)

The Scary Guys Played by Doug Jones Matchup*
Billy Butcherson (Hocus Pocus)	vs.	Pale Man (Pan’s Labyrinth)

The Smells Like Pond Scum Matchup
Gillman (Creature from the Black Lagoon)	vs.	Alex Holland (Swamp Thing)

Leave your choices in the comments. And remember…Death is not an option.

*What? Too niche?

Cosplaying is for people who want to have Halloween whenever the fuck they want.
— shwr_thoughts

Just once, when people ask me how my day was, I would like to truthfully reply with “….sinister”
— darrinfb

Who called it a “tramp stamp” and not a “tragic back story”?
— GianDoh

In Field of Dreams, Kevin Costner summoned an undead army and forced their restless souls to play for his amusement and no one said a thing.
— SamSykesSwears

“Avada kedavra!” shouted Voldemort, instantly killing Lily Potter and her infant son.
The End
–George R.R. Martin’s Harry Potter
— sadmonsters

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” into your car’s side mirror three times and watch her jog and try to keep up.
— mkaiser323

Dogs are just wolves who decided to get humans to hunt for them. We don’t own dogs, we just work for smart wolves.
— chazhutton

When you saw only one reflection,
It was then that Dracula carried you.
— bombsfall

MY CURSED RUNES BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD
AND THEY’RE LIKE / ENCHANTED WITH CHARMS
I COMMAND THEM / HORDES OLDER THAN STARS
— Gre_Gone

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
— Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII
(This isn’t funny; I just thought it was pretty and would be rather nice as the sentiment on a goth wedding invitation and couldn’t figure out where else to put it)

The Gregory Brothers like to experiment with major/minor key changes, switching happy songs to sad ones and vice-versa. Here’s their mournful version of “Jingle Bells.”

One way that a lot of people die is by going out in the snow to ride sleighs, partying too hard, and then getting frostbite and hypothermia. BEWARE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON! you’ll be safe if you drink a lot of hot cocoa, probably.

(via The Presurfer)

This faux-movie trailer follows group of young, carefree people whose idyllic cabin getaway is interrupted by a sexually-frustrated ghost who died during a jerkoff misadventure. She won’t rest until she finishes the job she started…but she can’t. She won’t even use lotion.

Sorta NSFW, doncha know.

(Hat tip to Fiend4Halloween)

If I were Neil Armstrong, on my deathbed I would have whispered “We weren’t the first” as my last dying breath.
— IamJackyBlack

Ladybug on the streets, praying mantis in the sheets.
— sween

5-year-old: Why does Mom always wrap a towel around her hair after she showers?
Me: She’s hiding Lord Voldemort on the back of her head.
— XplodingUnicorn

If you ask a dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.
— robfee

[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]
— TheTimmyToes

If I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I wouldn’t be saying “Yay!”
— UnFitz

Actually, something wicked has already arrived.
— _oculusmundi

I see the afterlife as nothing more than the promise of pantsing the non-departed.
— CM2BTTHD

Really? A fucking salad??
– Julius Caesar coming back to life
— DaddyJew

“I’m tired because my cat kept waking me up all night for cuddles,” he said probably-not-surviving-too-long-into-the-zombie-apocalypsely.
— sween

I once murdered a man by pushing him into a comic book store and yelling, “He thinks Darth Vader would beat Batman.”
— JRehling

Bit of an oversell, “dragonflies.”
— jordan_stratton

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
— bridger_w

If you go out for American food in Mexico does a grunge band come up and loudly play at your table?
— TheCatWhisprer

How did people first figure out that it was cicadas that make this noise? I could see that taking a long time.
Were there just like a thousand years where people were like “yeah, the trees are screaming. They do that in the summer.”
— curiosityconfusion

My doctor says that one day I will be able to eat baba ghanoush without singing “Baba ghanoush (snap snap)” to the Addams Family theme.
— KenJennings

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me ten times, congrats! You filled the punch-card! This shame is on the house!
— msgwenl

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.
— slackmistress

Books are just dead, tattooed trees.
— captainschmitty

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
— Bob_Janke