The Art of Darkness

“Monster Hunter” Treat Bags

February 10th, 2011 by Cobwebs

Monster Hunter LogoShadowboy just turned 7 (sob!) and since treat bags have somehow become obligatory at children’s birthday parties, I decided that instead of buying prefilled bags of random tchotchkes I’d rather do something a little more inventive.* With the help of Oriental Trading (whose order form should simply consist of the instructions, “1) How much is in your bank account? 2) Send it in”) and some random stuff I had in my sewing room, attendees will be receiving Monster Hunter Kits.

These consist of a fanny pack** filled with the items below, along with a note printed on official-looking letterhead:

Greetings, Monster Hunter!

We at the World Center for Monster Research welcome you to our ranks and present you with this kit which contains everything you need to observe monsters in their natural habitat.

Your travel pack contains:

  • Binoculars – Useful for viewing monsters from a safe distance.
  • Field Notebook and Pen – Record your observations about each monster’s appearance and behavior.
  • Human Scent Coverup – Blow bubbles of this special potion around the area to mask your scent and keep monsters from smelling you.
  • Transformation Treat – One bite of this lollipop will turn you into a monster for one hour. Very useful for up-close observation.
  • Tracking Tattoos – Wearing one of these tattoos will help you find a monster’s hidden lair.
  • Monster Decoy (Land) – This decoy will encourage land-going monsters to come out in the open for easy observation.
  • Monster Decoy (Water) – Use this decoy to attract sea monsters to the area.
  • Capture Training Device – Practice catching this monster when it jumps to help you learn to capture fast-moving monsters.
  • Monster Study Aid – Use this kit to build a monster of your own and learn to recognize the wiggly eyes, stripy tentacles, and unidentifiable fuzzy bits of common everyday monsters.
  • Scientific Research Tags – After capturing a monster, tag it with the date and location to help other researchers track its movements.
  • Official Monster Hunter Certificate – Identifies you as a member of our prestigious organization. Display it proudly.

We hope that you enjoy your kit and use it to increase humanity’s knowledge of the behavior and appearance of monsters.

Please Note: The World Center for Monster Research is dedicated to environmentally-sustainable monster investigation. After tagging your monster for future observation, please be sure to release it back into its natural habitat. Remember that preserving the world’s population of monsters depends on you. What would Oregon be without its native Bigfoot population, or Loch Ness without its sea serpents? With your help, children will be able to enjoy these and other monsters for generations to come.


J. Percy Vermithrax
World Center for Monster Research

And thus do I amuse myself.

I’m hoping that the kids enjoy receiving something a bit more engaging than a bag of unrelated toys (although the downside is that if they enjoy it too much I’ll have to find a way to top myself next year). I’m definitely looking forward to their reaction.

*This will either impress the other parents with my amazing creativity or cause them to give me a wide berth because I’m clearly nuts. Either result is acceptable.

**A note to UK readers: I realize that “fanny” means something entirely different over there, and I apologize for any cognitive dissonance you may be experiencing.

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