I don’t have a train of thought so much as I have a bumper-car of impulse.
The only reason I’m nice to people is so one day when the news interviews them about me, they’ll say “I’m shocked, he was such a nice guy.”
My Make-A-Wish wish would be to fire an assault rifle while Black Francis stands next to me, screaming.
It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they flicker ominously.
This Halloween I’m going to scare neighborhood children by jumping out from the bushes and explaining the college loan process to them.
It’s tragic that we’ll never know how annoying Oscar Wilde would have been on Twitter.
I imagine the Zombie Apocalypse will feel exactly like Monday mornings.
Every office has a Saruman and a Grima Wormtongue.
Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I’m looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.
— Overheard in New York
Say what you will about the Father of Lies–he always showed up to Lies’ T-ball games.