I don’t have a train of thought so much as I have a bumper-car of impulse.
– AinsleyofAttack

The only reason I’m nice to people is so one day when the news interviews them about me, they’ll say “I’m shocked, he was such a nice guy.”
– Coastiefish

My Make-A-Wish wish would be to fire an assault rifle while Black Francis stands next to me, screaming.
– BarrettChase

It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they flicker ominously.
– robdelaney

This Halloween I’m going to scare neighborhood children by jumping out from the bushes and explaining the college loan process to them.
– hipstermermaid

It’s tragic that we’ll never know how annoying Oscar Wilde would have been on Twitter.
– JoshMalina

I imagine the Zombie Apocalypse will feel exactly like Monday mornings.
– Paxochka

Every office has a Saruman and a Grima Wormtongue.
– thesulk

Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I’m looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.
– Overheard in New York

Say what you will about the Father of Lies–he always showed up to Lies’ T-ball games.
– StephenAtHome