“I prefer to say, ‘I turn into a human when there’s not a full moon.'” -Optimistic werewolf
— rolldiggity

Zombies love me cause I’ve been marinating my brain in wine for years.
— ElgatoEsmio

Robert Frost in the streets
Edgar Allan Poe in the sheets.
— Quartzjixler

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton didn’t split up — they just finally got untangled.
— sween

WHAT DO WE WANT?
GHOSTS TO STOP KISSING US IN OUR SLEEP!
WHEN DO WE….wait what?
— weinerdog4life

*Dog President gives a speech on live TV, not realizing one of his ears is turned inside out*
— OtherDanOBrien

Probably a fun thing to tweet would be “going to meet a guy I met on Craig’s List” and then never tweeting again.
— Sassafrantz

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
— huntigula

If I were a skeleton, my only pickup line would be “Wanna bone?” Why try harder?
— gordonshumway

I never feel guiltier than trying to explain to my dog why she smells another dog on me…
— Ideal_Victoria