Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
— ShesARealGenius

Lighten the mood at funerals by handing a wooden stake to the person next to you and whispering, “He was a vampire. You know what to do.”
— WhirledRecord

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
— heymonroe

I feel quite sinister when I buy a houseplant. “Welcome to my home. I will kill you. It’s just a matter of when”.
— liz_buckley

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
— dru0887

Bug in iPhone5 – predictive text controlled by the soul of the Chinese worker who committed suicide making it. How very help me I’m in hell.
— frankieboyle

Every poodle is fairly positive that it’s Marie Antoinette
— DanaSchwartzzz

Cool Curse Idea: Every time your enemy talks, a bunch of jelly beans fall out of his mouth.
— rolldiggity

I just spent a lot of time thinking about a Weird Science reboot where Gabourey Sidibe and Rebel Wilson accidentally create Channing Tatum
— Sedna_51

falling-in-love-with-fandoms:

highfunctioningdarklordofall:

can’t you imagine it though?

ginny’s going through a questioning phase and her older brothers keep making sex jokes so she writes in her diary “what’s a clitoris?” and tom’s on the other side like “i am a dark lord but i have a duty to this poor girl”

are you trying to insinuate that Voldemort gave Ginny Weasley the sex talk