I’d like to see an online dictionary with video clips of Christopher Walken pronouncing each word.
— badbanana

He steps to the podium. Taps the microphone. Glances at his notes. Clears his throat. Looks up and says, “A Very Muppet Dante’s Inferno.”
— sween

Dick Clark: the world’s only living memento mori.
— scottsimpson

My mind is what you get when you breed a Carnival with the Seventh Circle of Hell. And raise the resulting kid in a tent under power lines.
— bedheadblonde

It sounds pretty sweet when someone offers you their undying love until you think about the word “undead”. Then it gets all weird.
— luckyshirt

A 14-yr-old killed his parents because he didn’t want to take out the trash. What did he think he’d do with the bodies?
— BorowitzReport

They should re-release ‘The Lost Boys’ with the title ’24: Twilight.’ Cha-ching!
— badbanana

Lube, batteries, wine & a wheel of Brie are the ingredients of homemade shark repellent when a nosy kid looking in your cart asks.
— lafix