You may already be familiar with Cleolinda of Occupation: Girl from her Secret Life of Dolls or Movies in Fifteen Minutes. She’s got a new project, and it is quite wonderful: She is reading the entire 667,000-word monstrosity that is Varney the Vampyre, so we don’t have to.

She is, additionally, commenting liberally, and it is hilarious.

Blessedly, Flora’s mother faints at this point, so that everyone can shut the hell up and chase the damn thing. And then we (eventually) get to the first part of the book that nearly made me cry laughing.

They looked in the direction he indicated. At the end of this vista was the wall of the garden. At that point it was full twelve feet in height, and as they looked, they saw the hideous, monstrous form they had traced from the chamber of their sister, making frantic efforts to clear the obstacle.

They saw it bound from the ground to the top of the wall, which it very nearly reached, and then each time it fell back again into the garden with such a dull, heavy sound, that the earth seemed to shake again with the concussion. They trembled — well indeed they might, and for some minutes they watched the figure making its fruitless efforts to leave the place.

I don’t know why Varney can’t get over the wall. It’s not, like, a holy garlic wall or anything. All I know is, I nearly fell out of my chair at the image of this poor vampire desperately trying to jump over it, perhaps with a sad little grunt, and then falling on its ass… over and over and over.

And then (several paragraphs of discussion later), Henry shoots the vampyre again, and Varney tumbles over the wall with a pitiful howl. You guys, I’m just sad now.

She’s posting the whole thing in segments, all for free (although she’d be grateful for a tip). Part 1 is here, and you can see all entries here. A Class 2 Beverage Alert is in effect throughout.