What’s the big deal with the Dog Whisperer? My dog whispers all the time! “Kill for me,” he rasps.
— donni

You know that pickup line where guys ask if it hurt girls when they fell from heaven? The devil is a fallen angel too. Just sayin’.
— Paxochka

Bedbugs wouldn’t scare me so much if I could buy tiny hats for them on Etsy.
— Just_Alison

Accuse someone of denying everything. It’s a hard one to fight.
— thesulk

If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.
— DamienFahey

I actually had my husband film the birth of my third child because if I meet David Blaine one day, I want him to know he can never top that.
— kellyoxford

If you love something, set it free. If it mauls you as soon as it’s released, stop loving crazy shit.
— sucittaM

Beware a wolf in sheep’s clothing? I say beware wolves in ANY clothing because if they can learn bespoke tailoring, our time has come.
— DeathStarPR

You know what would suck? If you died and were turned into a vampire and then you got haunted by the ghost of yourself who was pissed off at you for getting yourself killed and she was always there for eternity, laughing at you whenever you fucked something up, or screaming really loud so you’d drop the milk jug, or waiting until you were masturbating and then popping in and be all “WHATCHA DOIN’?” That would totally suck.
— The Bloggess

Somewhere in the world, there’s a woman named Flo who’s self-conscious about visiting her nieces and nephews.
— YUCKYBOT