If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
— sucittaM

I hope the brains of people who misuse apostrophes are particularly delicious to zombies.
— nonsequiturific

The only comfort in the ‘accidental nap’ is waking up and realizing you’ll probably be really good at dying.
— kellyoxford

Good things come to those who wait. But the longer you wait, the looser your definition of good becomes.
— yoyoha

Why do we all feel safe under blankets? its not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m going to ki.-ah damn it, she’s under a blanket…”
— LordStewie_

I’d pay a whole lot of money for a phone that could take back a text.
— chopper4jk

We’re probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time.
— fleshcake

I hope if I ever become a serial killer, the media gives me a “fun” nickname, like the Snuggle Monster.
— robdelaney

If I ever get abducted by aliens the first thing I’m going to do is shout “NOT AGAIN!” just to make them think someone in admin fucked up.
— MarylandMudflap

Brian and I have spent the night watching all the Halloween films, and here’s the thing – when, at the end, everyone thinks Michael Meyers is dead, but he isn’t? CUT OFF HIS ARMS, because his whole thing is stabby. You lose the arms, and all he can do is cuddle you to death. And…you know. Aw, Halloween cuddles! You get a Kit Kat!
— Miss Doxie