Every day I say a little prayer of thanks that no one I know can read my mind.
— Paxochka

I wish social networks existed in the time of the Iliad. I would enjoy reading historical accounts about “I’M IN A HORSE!” posts.
— Surviving the World

You want to know about voting. I’m here to tell you about voting. Imagine you’re locked in a huge underground nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pit bulls for fun. And you aren’t allowed out until you all vote on what you’re going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch “Republican Party Reservation.” They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs that you did not know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That’s voting. You’re welcome.
— Warren Ellis

The woman ahead of me at the pharmacy is in a belly-shirt, kilt, and combat boots. I hope she’s picking up her prescription for the future.
— AinsleyofAttack

Walked through the metal detector at the airport while making the devil horns sign with my hands and headbanging. No one got it.
— sucittaM

“With our survival as a species at stake, zombies are back from the dead”–The History Channel and its new “Fuck It” programming approach.
— fmarciuliano

Whatever historical period you’re nostalgic for, one thing is certain: the consensus at the time was that life had gone to hell.
— johnroderick

I don’t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
— thesulk

Percentage of calls coming from inside the house: 72%. #SpookyStats
— FakePewResearch

If I had a time machine, I’d just go back and say “that’s so Raven!” to Edgar Allen Poe after everything he says.
— CuddlyNinja