The Art of Darkness

Unspooky Saturday

November 19th, 2011 by Cobwebs

This particular story, which is alleged to have really happened in 1588 (it’s the “Auvergne Werewolf” incident, if you feel inclined to look it up), has always struck me as probably containing a grain of truth because it’s a rather cunning way to get rid of an unwanted wife.

—————

so there’s this guy chillin’ at his window
and a friend of his walks by
and says yo
damndest thing just happened

and already things are suspect
because he is about to tell his friend
that he was attacked by a wolf
and he does not run up, wild-eyed
and go HOLY SHIT I WAS JUST ATTACKED BY A WOLF
no
he is really quite casual about the wolf-attackage
like it’s just another tuesday
in this case I myself would consider moving
somewhere less wolf-infested

but anyway

the friend continues his narrative
I was out hunting
and from out of nowhere this bigass wolf runs at me
snarling and growling
which you must admit is more frightening than if it meowed
but I digress

so I shoot at this wolf
and the bullet just pings off its hide like it’s superman in a wolf suit
and it jumps on me
but before it chows down I manage to pull my knife and cut off its paw
because somehow the wolf is impervious to bullets but not knives
sounds like somebody should get a refund at the wolf suit store

then the wolf runs off and I stick its bleeding paw in my pocket
because I am a nobleman and don’t do my own laundry

so the hunter pulls the paw out of his pocket to show his friend
but instead of a paw it’s a woman’s hand
and not only does the friend just take it at face value
that the paw turned into a hand in the hunter’s pocket
instead of drawing the more logical conclusion
that the hunter just straight up cut off a woman’s hand
and then made up some bullshit story about a wolf
or at least asking himself why the hunter didn’t notice
a small wolf paw turning into a large human hand in his pocket
because I sure as hell would have
also is that a wolf paw in your pocket or are you just glad to see me
is a much shittier pickup line

anyway

not only that
but the friend immediately recognizes the ring on the hand
as belonging to his wife
how is that for an utterly stunning and not at all expected coincidence

and at this point the story says that this discovery
made him begin to suspect some evil of her
which I believe sweeps the No Duh awards

also I would like to know more about this ring
because either it was present on the wolf’s paw
which means the hunter did not notice that the wolf was wearing a ring
and that frankly seems like something that would be hard to overlook
or it magically transformed along with the hand
which opens a whole other can of sartorial worms
in regards to werewolf transformations and where their clothes go
but I digress

anyway

they go looking for his wife
and find her sitting in the kitchen acting casual
with her arm hidden under her apron
looking not the least bit suspicious
and when her husband asks to see her hand she says naw I’m good
so he tears off her apron
and there’s a bloody stump where her hand should be
DUN DUN DUN

and since she doesn’t have a good explanation for her missing hand
like maybe the cat ran off with it
or an alligator bit it off
or some jackass with a knife cut it off and put it in his pocket
the men immediately conclude that she was the wolf in the woods
and turn her over to the authorities
who ALSO immediately conclude the same thing
and tell due process to go fuck itself
and burn her at the stake

the moral to this story is
being a woman in the 16th century sucked ass

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